Late Night Deep Thoughts 2am

So a couple of months ago, I was making videos and taking part in some BookTube conversations, talking about books, making videos. I was really enjoying it, and I absolutely love the editing process, but a few deadlines hit and I stopped making them. I filmed them, but didn’t have the time to upload- I’m too self critical and I’m too much of a perfectionist when it comes to making them.

I also can’t really watch them, I feel embarrassed of myself and I feel cringed watching them. I actually just went to switch them to private, but realised that they had a decent amount of views (for the number of subscribers I have- basically none, but there were people commenting and liking them) and so some people must have liked them even if I didn’t.

Right now, I’m going through a phase where things aren’t exactly tough – I’ve had a couple of big life changes but nothing that’s keeping me depressed and alone in my house, so I wouldn’t say I’m going through a hard time exactly. I’m just going through a time where I’m trying to build my self confidence and self worth. I know that too often I catch myself thinking, ‘why would anyone be friends with me’ or ‘I have no friends’ or ‘I’m so uncool and so lame’ or ‘I’m too fat’ (that’s a very recent one) or ‘nobody cares what I have to say’.

I think the YouTube videos have always been important to me because I’ve wanted people to like me. I’ve never wanted thousands of fans or anything like that- I’m way too awkward to be able to deal with anything like that. I’ve just wanted confirmation that I’m normal I guess, confirmation that people would want to be my friend. The logic behind that is ridiculous.

All those statements I made above, while they go through my head a thousand times a day, I know they’re rubbish. The most common one ‘I have no fiends, I’m so lonely’ is stupid. I do have friends, there are people I talk to all the time. I have a great family, and I definitely have some close friends. I don’t have a big group of friends, but there are definitely people I meet up with and text on a regular basis. The same goes for all those other statements- when I think about them, none of them are true. I’ve begun to realise that the only thing holding me back is me, and I need to pick myself off and convince myself of how great I am- it’s the only way I’m ever going to be great- by believing in myself.

I know that sounded way cheesy, and by now nobody is reading, but I’ve come to my last point. This blog. Now I’ve always been worried about what people will think about what I’m saying- will they think I’m really lame or stupid? Is it stupid to even write a blog? Does doing this in the first place make me lame? The answer is: No, not if I don’t think it is. I don’t care if people think knitting isn’t cool (supposedly it’s becoming fashionable now, which is so weird to me). I’ve decided that I don’t care what anybody says unless it’s positive, or genuinely useful criticism (Haterz back off!). And by haters I mean the Mean Girl version of me in my head. That’s the only one that has EVER said anything negative to me. So from now on, I’m going to publish more often. I like writing, I really enjoy being able to put my thoughts across in my own space, and that’s what this is going to be from now on. My own space.

I know there are some bloggers who regularly visit here when I post new things – I know who you are and I appreciate it. Turns out I enjoy the regulars’ blogs too, so we support each other. I’m going to keep writing the things I love writing about, and without that filter in my head telling me I’m stupid. And I’m going to enjoy what I do.

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