I Love My Body

Controversial right?

I grew up with my beautiful mother always telling me beautiful I was. I was somewhat in awe of her- being only 23 when I was born, she was young and cool and I had no reason not to believe her.

I made it all the way to year 8 (age 12) before I stopped to consider that perhaps I was not as pretty as I had always known I was. I went to a boarding school, utterly different from anything I’d experienced and my two closest friends had started talking about their diet. I knew what a diet was, but I knew I didn’t need one- people were always telling me how thin I was. Those two girls once asked me what I didn’t like about my body and my reply (which once ashamed me and now I am so proud of my young self) was ‘Nothing. I like my body’.

That is not to say that I thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, I just was happy with what I had. I definitely did have imperfections and insecurities. I spent a few years from the age of eight covering my knobbly knees when I wore skirts, and at the age of ten I grew two inches in two months and acquired a zebra striping of stretch marks on my bum and thighs. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but those imperfections didn’t make me dislike my body. To me, they were just there, parts of my body that were unchangeable and that I was happy to live with because that was the way I was.

My friends told me that this was really narcissistic and full of myself. They were pretty mean about it, telling me that of course there was at least something wrong with me and that I must think a lot of myself if I didn’t think I had any problems. Of course I did, but they were unimportant to me- I would rather worry about how to pass my flute exam, or understanding the book we were reading in class. So I stopped eating, and dieted and obsessed about the gym because I didn’t want to be narcissistic, and I didn’t want my friends to think I was a bad person. I pretended to be unhappy with my body until I eventually was. I lost all self confidence and stayed that way.

I am now 21. My weight has fluctuated over the last 3 years, at one point last year reaching 10 stone, somewhere I never thought I’d be. I truly began to hate my body. I hated that spare tire, the cellulite on my legs, the fat in my arms. I gained some new stretch marks on my muffin top, bright angry red ones that are visible over my jeans. I saw those and despaired. They looked horrible, how could I get rid of them? I spent so much money on Bio Oil that didn’t work and so much time frantically rubbing my skin to remove them, that also didn’t work. I was fat, stretch marked and unhappy.

So how did I get back here, loving myself, in a few short months? I love the freckle on my collar bone. I love the ringlets my hair forms. I love the shape of my boobs and the size of my toes. I think I have perfect lips and a nice nose. What I’m saying is, I began to focus on the things I love and accept my body the way it is, loving the good and the bad. Yes, I am losing weight and happy about it, but we don’t need to lose weight to love ourselves. I am allowing the good things to lift me up higher than my insecurities are dragging me down. I focus on the good things because they are good. I’m not going to pretend to be modest and unhappy about them in order to make other people happy. Women are allowed to love themselves and be happy in the skin they inhabit. Sure, we all have things that maybe we’d change or that aren’t our favourite parts, but we’re allowed to celebrate the good and love ourselves regardless of what anyone else thinks.

 

P.S I hope I didn’t come off a bit Samantha Brick here..

 

I Feel Good

I feel really really good.
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment, a messed up love life and a scary money situation, and a job that doesn’t guarantee hours. But there are always great things in your life that you can think of which make life and all its trials bearable. Since this is a rare moment of feeling good regardless of all my problems, I’m going to list the great things that are going on in my life.

  1. I have finished my first year at university. I may not have had the best grades, I may not have done as well as I’d have liked and I may not have achieved everything I wanted to, but I have finished. I’ve completed it, and I’m so proud of myself to even be here.
  2. A couple of weeks ago, when I was vegging out I watched a documentary on Netflix called Fed Up. That film has changed my life. As soon as I finished watching it, I made sure to check the nutritional information of everything I eat to reduce my sugar intake, and so far have lost 3lbs. I’m really proud of myself.
  3.  I just did a good set of leg and ab exercises. Seeing that scale slowly ticking down after months of resolutely staying at 9st 10lbs has pushed me to keep going harder. The first set of leg exercises I did 15 of each exercise, and couldn’t walk for three days. I kept going and kept exercising and today, I was finally able to do the whole set of 9 leg exercises twice and include 60 sit ups. I’m getting there and it’s making me so happy!
  4. I now have the entire summer to do what I want. I can finish reading A Game of Thrones (finally!). I can finish knitting my Lett Lopi Jumper. I can start learning a new language or coding. I can keep going with my goodreads challenge and book clubs. I can visit my grandparents and other friends. I have so much time to do whatever I want without feeling guilty and I’m so excited!

I’m really looking forward to this summer and I can’t wait to get started. Seeing the results of the hard work I’ve been putting in to my fitness has really really made me feel so good. I’m going to update more regularly here now, maybe with some more ‘current stuff’ if I get round to it!

 

So yeah, I’m happy 🙂