Today has been a day of realisations.
So over the last year, I switched my degree to incorporate philosophy, in large part due to a number of conversations I’d had with my friends and a module I’d taken in my first semester as an English student- Classical Philosophy.
I slowed down with it a bit over the last couple of months- Alex was shooting through all these ideas and concepts with such conviction it left me lost and confused about what I wanted and what I thought. His reactions to my thoughts were influencing them, stopping me being able to clearly decide what I thought the right path would be.
When something big happens in your life, when there’s a change that gets you down, you can feel lost, alone and that there is nothing in this world to make you happy or to live for. This week, it was expected, I knew I’d feel that way, but I also knew that it wouldn’t last forever.
I once met a man in Wigan while I was doing charity fundraising. Is asked him for money, and he told me he was homeless and now had nothing but God. He handed me a flyer and told me that in his darkest times, he had found solace in believing in more than this world. I never really understood how having so little could make you believe in a mystical being, but it’s something I understand now.
When you have nothing, a belief in something else, a belief that there is more out there to explore, that this purpose isn’t something you necessarily understand is something to hold on to. It gives you something to live for. I don’t know what I believe- maybe I’ll reach a level of consciousness that will change my perceptions, maybe I’ll discover an understanding that strengthens my inner connection with the universe. But holding on to the belief that there is something amazing out there keeps me going. It gives me a purpose, a goal, something to achieve. And to achieve it, all I have to do is nothing and everything. Small simple acts like smiling at a stranger, or gardening or eating a fruit, or connecting with an animal converts into positive energy. Thinking of nothing, removing the triviality of life opens up a much larger scope of reality. What is a tiny human relationship compared with the vastness of the universe, the intensity of our spirit and the noumenal experiences I can’t put into words? It’s nothing and everything. Because just as it’s only one of one beings vast number of individual experiences, it is an intense one that makes up part of this whole. It’s nothing and everything.
I need this, I need spirituality to be able to say ‘it’s okay’. Of course, that means I have a long way to go- personal emotions and feelings can stop us achieving the highest levels of intelligence and and consciousness- but it’s a journey, a path and I believe I’ll get there one day. For now, I have a feeling in my body, like a calm, warm lake, that I’m peaceful.
Edit: I didn’t mention that this is for now. This is for today. In a week, I might feel differently. I might have a completely different view of what I’m doing, what I want to do and what I believe. Who knows.
Also, I don’t have nothing. I have many things to live for, I just need direction, something to do, and for today, this is it.