Beginning of a Breakup

First though, the positives: Today I got an unexpected package through my door. It was a gift from my friend. She’s one of those friends I wish I had more time with, but now she’s gone 😔

I managed to make even a positive sad today 😂

I also meditated with a kitten. I know it sounds stupid but after we meditated (or I did, Toothless just lay down and closed his eyes) he came and sat on my lap and slept. He wanted a tonne of affection and followed me around the house afterwards. I love him, I wish he came more often. He’s an unexpected gift- I found today really difficult being alone and having nothing to do, it was tough to find motivation to do anything.

Hahaha again, turning a positive into a negative. What’s wrong with me today?

It’s been a month and I can’t remember what it was like to be in a relationship. I know I should be sad, but when I cry, it feels forced so I just stop. Sometimes, like today, I just feel empty. Like it was a bad chapter of my life I just want to forget as quickly as possible. It’s that weird middle phase where you don’t remember what it was like before or during and now you don’t know what it’s meant to be like, if the way I am now is normal or not. Once again, I’m feeling it, the roughest part of losing someone is losing your friend. The more I think about it, the more I know it’s broken, and dead and irreparable. I think that’s why I’m sad. Because regardless of whether we hang out or see each other around, I know there’s no trust, so I can’t be myself. It’s all over, all of it. This is the beginning of the worst, longest break up of all. The reality of what I wrote the other day about cutting him out is setting in. I know the crappy journey I’m in for- I’m still not fully over losing the closest friend I ever had, and the most loving boyfriend you could imagine (over it but not over the loss of his friendship). It takes so long to be at peace with. It’s going to be so hard. But I can do it, I’ve done it before.

To end on a happy note, I can’t wait to start work!! Can’t believe I’m saying that, but I’m honestly so excited. Everyone I’ve met there seems so nice, which is such a change from what I’m used to. Literally can’t wait!!!!

やった! Finally a positive staying positive.

Edit: I wrote and rewrote this quite a few times, so throughout I was reading my thoughts and commenting on them as part of it before I posted it.

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