Japanese II

I’ve finished university for the summer again and guess what I’m doing? Re-re-learning Japanese! I suppose Alex is partly to blame for that.

So, I dug out my copy of げんき! and started re-learning all the things I did before. The great part was that I remembered most of the hiragana on the first try, (it was きさち that gave me the most trouble, especially as when hand-written they look a bit different). Last night, I reached the end of chapter 2 and remembered why I stopped learning the first time – at chapter 3 the book stops giving the romaji and writes all the Japanese only in Kanji, Hiragana and Katakana (which I had been avoiding ip until that point). This time instead of giving up, I’m trying to learn it.

I’m halfway through the Katakana, and super looking forward to starting some Kanji and learning new words in the process. It feels like a bit of an impossible task, but I really want to do it so I’m going to try my hardest.

猿も木から落ちる

So I’ve only just re-read that post I wrote 2 years ago about learning Japanese for the first time since, and I said that I should have gotten paper with squares on it to help me practice. Well weirdly enough (or not, considering it is 10 times easier to do it) I bought some a couple of days ago, and it’s really really helped keep everything in order. Squared paper is definitely a must.

 

Beginning of a Breakup

First though, the positives: Today I got an unexpected package through my door. It was a gift from my friend. She’s one of those friends I wish I had more time with, but now she’s gone 😔

I managed to make even a positive sad today 😂

I also meditated with a kitten. I know it sounds stupid but after we meditated (or I did, Toothless just lay down and closed his eyes) he came and sat on my lap and slept. He wanted a tonne of affection and followed me around the house afterwards. I love him, I wish he came more often. He’s an unexpected gift- I found today really difficult being alone and having nothing to do, it was tough to find motivation to do anything.

Hahaha again, turning a positive into a negative. What’s wrong with me today?

It’s been a month and I can’t remember what it was like to be in a relationship. I know I should be sad, but when I cry, it feels forced so I just stop. Sometimes, like today, I just feel empty. Like it was a bad chapter of my life I just want to forget as quickly as possible. It’s that weird middle phase where you don’t remember what it was like before or during and now you don’t know what it’s meant to be like, if the way I am now is normal or not. Once again, I’m feeling it, the roughest part of losing someone is losing your friend. The more I think about it, the more I know it’s broken, and dead and irreparable. I think that’s why I’m sad. Because regardless of whether we hang out or see each other around, I know there’s no trust, so I can’t be myself. It’s all over, all of it. This is the beginning of the worst, longest break up of all. The reality of what I wrote the other day about cutting him out is setting in. I know the crappy journey I’m in for- I’m still not fully over losing the closest friend I ever had, and the most loving boyfriend you could imagine (over it but not over the loss of his friendship). It takes so long to be at peace with. It’s going to be so hard. But I can do it, I’ve done it before.

To end on a happy note, I can’t wait to start work!! Can’t believe I’m saying that, but I’m honestly so excited. Everyone I’ve met there seems so nice, which is such a change from what I’m used to. Literally can’t wait!!!!

やった! Finally a positive staying positive.

Edit: I wrote and rewrote this quite a few times, so throughout I was reading my thoughts and commenting on them as part of it before I posted it.

Time

I wrote a whole thing about what this song means to me, but crappy internet screwed it.

It was something along the lines of:

I love this song. About 5 years ago I got into a mad dubstep phase. All my music was loud and full of bass. I think I liked that it filled my head, I couldn’t think, all I could do was feel the music, feel the vibrations. At that time I first listened to Chase and Status and this song came out. I loved it, it made me feel that feeling deep in my chest, made me feel a bit uneasy, a bit sad. I stopped listening to this for a long time- I don’t like not being in control of my emotions. Today I heard it again and I can’t stop listening. I still get that feeling but I also feel a sort of happy nostalgia. I’m reminded of the friend I always thought of when I listened to this, and how he’s so insignificant to my life now I can’t believe I wasted all those years being so sad about it. I’m so glad I’m at this point now, rather than being anywhere else.

It’s not such a bad thing.

Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes things just don’t go your way. Sometimes it seems like nothing will ever go your way.

Today a bad thing happened, something that made me unhappy (for a while). But was it a bad thing? I’m here, with people I love right? I have all four limbs and my sight (no matter how blurry). I have a bed that I love, which is comfortable, and my roof keeps out the rain. I can feed myself, and go to the pub with my friends. I can wake up late if I want to, with no concequences. I can use the internet whenever I want. I can buy myself small things or make things to cheer myself up.

That bad thing? Does it matter? Will I be upset about it in 10 years time? Will I even remember it happneed in 10 years time? Probably not. No. Definitely not.

It’s not such a bad thing.

Lemonade 🍋👑🐝

I haven’t loved an entire album like this since I was a teenager. Every time I think I have a favourite song I remember another. 

This morning it was Sorry

By lunch it was Sandcastles. Sandcastles was my least favourite for ages, until I properly listened about two weeks after downloading the album. It legitimately made me cry, she sings it so powerfully it brings up all kinds of emotions I didn’t know I had. 

Now it’s 6inch 🙈