Beginning of a Breakup

First though, the positives: Today I got an unexpected package through my door. It was a gift from my friend. She’s one of those friends I wish I had more time with, but now she’s gone 😔

I managed to make even a positive sad today 😂

I also meditated with a kitten. I know it sounds stupid but after we meditated (or I did, Toothless just lay down and closed his eyes) he came and sat on my lap and slept. He wanted a tonne of affection and followed me around the house afterwards. I love him, I wish he came more often. He’s an unexpected gift- I found today really difficult being alone and having nothing to do, it was tough to find motivation to do anything.

Hahaha again, turning a positive into a negative. What’s wrong with me today?

It’s been a month and I can’t remember what it was like to be in a relationship. I know I should be sad, but when I cry, it feels forced so I just stop. Sometimes, like today, I just feel empty. Like it was a bad chapter of my life I just want to forget as quickly as possible. It’s that weird middle phase where you don’t remember what it was like before or during and now you don’t know what it’s meant to be like, if the way I am now is normal or not. Once again, I’m feeling it, the roughest part of losing someone is losing your friend. The more I think about it, the more I know it’s broken, and dead and irreparable. I think that’s why I’m sad. Because regardless of whether we hang out or see each other around, I know there’s no trust, so I can’t be myself. It’s all over, all of it. This is the beginning of the worst, longest break up of all. The reality of what I wrote the other day about cutting him out is setting in. I know the crappy journey I’m in for- I’m still not fully over losing the closest friend I ever had, and the most loving boyfriend you could imagine (over it but not over the loss of his friendship). It takes so long to be at peace with. It’s going to be so hard. But I can do it, I’ve done it before.

To end on a happy note, I can’t wait to start work!! Can’t believe I’m saying that, but I’m honestly so excited. Everyone I’ve met there seems so nice, which is such a change from what I’m used to. Literally can’t wait!!!!

やった! Finally a positive staying positive.

Edit: I wrote and rewrote this quite a few times, so throughout I was reading my thoughts and commenting on them as part of it before I posted it.

Stupid

I had a great day today. Such a good time. I watched Usain Bolt win his 100m race this morning with Charisse, then went to lunch with Georgia. Then I met my friend Alex, and we mostly had a laugh.

It was a really great day but at the end of it I’ve learnt a solid lesson.

I always take people at face value. I always accept what they say as what they mean. Sometimes I’m thought of as gullible because of it.

Today, I took the way my friend was behaving at face value. I believed what they were telling me, the way they were acting, when common sense should have told me not to. I think that stemmed from my belief deep down that they don’t actually care about me as much as they think they do.

I hurt my friend by saying something that I shouldn’t have, not because it wasn’t true or it was the wrong thing to say, but because I didn’t realise the effect it would have.

Today’s lesson: pay more attention. There were things I should have noticed that I didn’t. Things I noticed but misunderstood, and had I clocked on, it wouldn’t have happened.

I’m not a bad person, I’m not malicious and I genuinely want to make my friends happy. We all make mistakes, and this is not a mistake I’m going to make again. My friend is probably fine now, but I’m not.

I feel love so strongly, for all my friends. My emotions are so powerful it’s difficult to control them. When I hurt a friend, I feel bad about it for a ridiculous amount of time. I’m going to feel bad about this for a long time to come I think. I’m an idiot.

Past That Point

I’m good now, just like I knew I would be. It’s been a difficult two weeks, but I can feel it- that sad time is over. Partly because I’ve reconciled with myself that the immediate future I had has changed (in many ways for the better), and partly because I’m no longer grieving a loss (because I’m sure now that I haven’t lost anything- we’re still friends and I’ve only gained more freedom). I don’t know how he feels, but I hope he has the same outlook!

I did want to post this quote by Ram Dass about loss though. I know in the future I’ll probably experience more break-ups, and the likelihood is that they won’t be as easy as this one (not that this was easy, just it was comparatively easier than the last). I’m past that point of needing this to help me feel better right now, but this is in case I’m ever having a tough time with it:

‘Many of us have fear. Fear of loving too much, and the fear and the pain of loving when you know there will be loss – and then when there is loss, there is of course deep grief. 

The way we deal with grief has a lot to do with whether or not the grief heals and strengthens us, or ends up depriving and starving us. We’ve learned a lot of things about grief over the years, like that strong “grin and bear it,” stiff upper lip response to grief which involves denial, and is not an optimum strategy for dealing with a mourning period. My own reaction to people that are grieving is to really give them a lot of support in grieving, and letting the process run its course. That means not just the grief of the loss of the person, but the grief of the loss of any dream in life, of anything that you’ve invested that was lost. There is a reaction to a loss that is a grieving process, and if you don’t deal with the grieving in a way that is true to your being, it’s untrue. It’s just as untrue to grieve when you’re not feeling it, as to not grieve when you’re feeling it. 

You can’t really demand any person be on a schedule. You have to ask them to be true to their own heart, to say to somebody, “You haven’t grieved enough,” ’cause they say, “I’m not feeling anything,” isn’t really necessarily tuning appropriately to another person. But when they don’t grieve in harmony with their deepest truth, they end up veiled from their hearts and they end up increasing cynicism about life and increasing fear also, fear of future involvement, fear of any risk. 

So, how you go through these processes is really very critical to your own evolution. From a spiritual perspective, from your spiritual, from your soul’s point of view, all of these things are offerings being made to you, to give you the stuff through which you can grow clearer and stronger and emptier and more available to your heart.’ 

-Ram Dass

 

 

 

やった!!!!

Today I finally managed a 10 minute meditation. My head was still cluttered and I found it difficult to concentrate, but I did it. I started seeing it in the way books describe it-  your brain is like a muscle that needs to be worked out through meditation, and the more you train it the better it becomes.

Today was different than usual in that I used it to come to some conclusions, and discover my true feelings. Of course 10 minutes is not nearly long enough to come to any deep life decisions (for me anyway), but I did come to one answer, and came to understand a little more of my emotions.

Finding my own happiness is key, not just for my personal development, but more so that I can pass it on to others.

I observed that answer, and I think it’s a truth I needed to find- a small step to help me continue my days- what better reason to be happy than to further the happiness of all the other beings around you? Through my own happiness, be more open to positive encounters with everything around me and I can make the world a better place.

 

Just to expand on that, happiness is not necessarily the ultimate goal. If I am happy, there are fewer things clouding my brain stopping me from having a love for all things. If I can be happy and project that love, I can (and in turn others can) find the deepest connection between myself and everything around me.

 

You’re Fine

So it’s the summer, and once again I’ve found myself single- this time through no choice of my own. It’s been a week now, and this is the best I’ve felt so I wanted to take the time to (slightly drunkenly) record some serious truths that need to NEVER be forgotten.

Remember how you felt a year ago? Like you’d never meet anyone again, you’d never fall in love, nobody could ever love you and the one person you needed the most in the whole world was gone as if they’d never existed. That feeling was the worst, the most painful, the most heartbreaking. The person you rely on, the one person you feel most comfortable telling your deepest secrets to now is almost a stranger. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, with all this new found free time. Every second you could feel your pulse, every moment was a dull ache of pain and sadness and seemed to take an eternity. A minute was like an hour, and hour like a day and the time you spent asleep filled with nightmares and over in seconds.

It will never be as bad as that. You already took on most of the pain the first time, when that kind of change was totally new and unexpected. It was crushing last time, because you had no idea when it was going to end. The pain seemed like an endless tunnel of misery, like you’re drowning underwater and you’re so deep you can’t even see the sun any more. This time, you know it will be over in a few weeks. This time, you know you’re beautiful and kind and worth everything. This time, it’s not your first love, it’s not the love of your life, it’s not someone you always knew you were going to be with. This time, you’re armed from the beginning with the knowledge that: You’re Fine. You Can Do This. It Will End.

I’m feeling the most positive I’ve felt since it ended, and here’s why:

I woke up this morning and cried. He doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t care. He’s over this. He doesn’t care about the pain I’m feeling because he never cared the way I cared for him. I hate him. I have scars because of him. But I love him, all those things we were going to do are gone. It’s ended. That closeness is gone. What should I fill my time with? How can I have fewer hours in the day so I can forget this all happened. How could he do this to me?

Over and over and over. Just like last time. Only today, I changed my mind. I went for a walk with my mum, and while we walked she talked and I was mostly quiet- sometimes listening, sometimes thinking about my own things just comforted hearing her speak. Getting out of the house into the sun was the best thing. Sure, I felt awful, I didn’t see the point, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I enjoyed it, but I definitely didn’t feel as bad afterwards. When we got home, I sat down and worked on my life goals. I have a small, black notebook in which I write all my observations, thoughts and ideas on spirituality. I stopped writing after I had an unsettling experience through meditation, but after speaking to Alex today, I realised this was what I needed. I looked through it and found so many things I’d been interested in before my break up that I’d just abandoned.

Meditation is where I started. Meditation helps clear the mind, reinforces the feeling of interconnectedness within the universe, it allows you to reach higher levels of consciousness, to come to solutions from within. I’ve not been able to meditate since that aforementioned experience, and especially not since my relationship ended- mediation is such a big part of his life that every time I close my eyes all I can think about is things he tells me about meditation and what he’s experienced.

Researching meditation reminded me that: I’m on my own path. The only individual who experiences this path is me. It’s my own (my precious lol). People drop off along the way and you lose some connections, but in reality, we’re all one. We’re all connected, we’re all the same and we’re all part of this reality that we can never fully grasp. There is so much out there, so many things we may never understand, and it all flows in the most unexpected of ways.

I wrote about why I should meditate, because I think it’s important to know why you’re doing it at a time like this. As in, the last week I’ve thought ‘there’s no point to any of this. i don’t want to do it. I can’t be bothered. I feel so apathetic I don’t want to do anything because I don’t enjoy doing anything.’ That is completely the wrong attitude to have. Meditation will help me solve those feelings, to work around them, and writing down the reasons and the ways in which it helps acts as a reminder, if I ever feel hopeless again. Reading and learning more about meditation reminded me that this is a chance- there were things I was always so unhappy about that now I have a chance to change. Rather than seeing this as the end of the road, it’s like a new branch that suddenly veered off that starts as a thin, narrow trail and broadens as you find your feet. And sure it’s scary to change direction, I mean, it’s scary to change, but it’s a new adventure, a new opportunity to discover more, meet people I wouldn’t have, learn about new ways of life that I’d never stepped outside of my box to consider.

After I rediscovered the purpose I’d set for myself months ago, I decided to take Brian’s advice. I became the yes woman. Nell invited me to the rooftop bar she works at, and I’d said no the day before- I hadn’t felt like being around many people and I didn’t know what the vibe was like. BUT I said yes tonight. I was worried that if I left I would lose that motivation I’d just rediscovered, but I thought going out was the right thing to do. I just felt it. So I went, and I took the longboard, because I love long boarding and it makes me happy, so why not? I boarded to the bar and when I got there I was totally shocked.

I would never have expected the place I saw up there. It wasn’t the most amazing place I’ve ever been to in my entire life, but it was attractive, welcoming, buzzing, full of life, with flowers, lights, trees and so many people. Nell was behind the bar, and we got to chat for most of the time. But I also got to talk to other people. Weirdly enough, a guy from my old school appeared at the bar and we started to talk. It was easy to talk to him, he was friendly and so nice and it was literally exactly what I needed. I just needed someone to talk to, about nothing, to prove to myself: I can do this. I can enjoy myself, I can enjoy being with other people, I can enjoy life and I can be happy.

Several people approached me and chatted to me while I was standing at the bar by myself (while Nell was off working), and again it reminded me that things aren’t hopeless. I’m not alone. Even if my best friends are gone, I’m never alone. I got to reconnect with an old friend, spend time with her and enjoy her company. Would I have gone if I was still with Alex? Probably, but I wouldn’t have appreciated it nearly as much as I did tonight.

I’m sure I’ll have down days still, days where I don’t want to get out of bed, but I will. I won’t let somebody else’s decisions take away the happiness in my life. I won’t let myself succumb to depression, anxiety or low self-esteem. I am free. I have my whole life ahead of me, so many things to discover, other realms to explore, new perspectives to view the world from and love to give to all. I can do this. I’m stronger than I feel. I’m fine.

 

 

 

On that note, right now I feel as though my writers block is gone. Maybe it’s because I know Alex won’t read this now, and Jarrett won’t either. It’s my SafeSpace again. And that was a joke.

 

2015

This was the best year of my life hands down.

It started off in the south of Florida setting off giant lanterns into the night sky with a fire pit and a personal fire works display. That was a pretty great new year.

I don’t want to write some long and boring post about everything that’s happened to me this year, so here are some pictures.

 

I’m Like an OAP

This is what I was listening to while writing this. I like the idea that other people can get the same vibes I was having while writing if we listened to the same thing.

When my grandparents first retired, I couldn’t understand what they did with all that time. Until they die, they will not have jobs. What a thought.

I wondered how they kept busy, how they weren’t bored with life and each other. How they coped living in a small seaside town with nothing to occupy them. To me it seemed like a very free but agitating existence. I thought I’d go mad if I had to do that.

I was wrong. I’ve realised that I’m just like them right now, and how beautiful it is. They get to spend their time doing the things they love. My Granny works with fabrics and designing things using different art styles, and my Grandad does gigs and works on paper art. Now they both keep bees too! They’re living the life and now I am too. I’m so free, so able to do what I want, when I want. It’s amazing. I can listen to music, play my own music on my uke, make my own clothes and learn a new language. It’s so amazing to be able to live my life in the way I want to. Sure I’m poor, but I’m having a great time.

I’ve been riding my bike as fast as I can, feeling the breeze on my legs, sitting in the park with tangerines and grapes, relaxing in the heat of the sun. It’s been blissful.

And I still have 3 months of this to go.

Aahhhh