This is your stop.

It’s time. I don’t do this very often, but it’s time to eject someone from my train. There’s only so much you can take of someone making you miserable before you have to cut them out. I’ve done this once or twice before, and the last time still is extremely painful to think of. It’s harsh, and I don’t know if many people do it, but I do. Once they’re cut, there’s no going back, it’s finished and I can never see them in the same way again. All friendship is purely superficial, to get me by if we know the same people, but there’s no trust, nothing real left- empty like a shell.

But it has to be done. I only want positive people in my life, people who don’t weigh me down, make me feel bad about myself or condescend me. Those people need to some self discovery on their own, and I can’t help with that if it is toxic to my own happiness. 

It’s sad to say goodbye, but it’s done now. Onwards and upwards. My train is lighter, the windows are open and we’re all having a laugh now. It’s a beautiful day.

Stupid

I had a great day today. Such a good time. I watched Usain Bolt win his 100m race this morning with Charisse, then went to lunch with Georgia. Then I met my friend Alex, and we mostly had a laugh.

It was a really great day but at the end of it I’ve learnt a solid lesson.

I always take people at face value. I always accept what they say as what they mean. Sometimes I’m thought of as gullible because of it.

Today, I took the way my friend was behaving at face value. I believed what they were telling me, the way they were acting, when common sense should have told me not to. I think that stemmed from my belief deep down that they don’t actually care about me as much as they think they do.

I hurt my friend by saying something that I shouldn’t have, not because it wasn’t true or it was the wrong thing to say, but because I didn’t realise the effect it would have.

Today’s lesson: pay more attention. There were things I should have noticed that I didn’t. Things I noticed but misunderstood, and had I clocked on, it wouldn’t have happened.

I’m not a bad person, I’m not malicious and I genuinely want to make my friends happy. We all make mistakes, and this is not a mistake I’m going to make again. My friend is probably fine now, but I’m not.

I feel love so strongly, for all my friends. My emotions are so powerful it’s difficult to control them. When I hurt a friend, I feel bad about it for a ridiculous amount of time. I’m going to feel bad about this for a long time to come I think. I’m an idiot.

New Job!

This is one of those mad frustrating things where I can celebrate my new job, but I can’t really say what it is.

I can say that I’ve had this job before, and it’s where I met some of the coolest, most talented people I know. 

The best part is that I’m getting a new role, one which I always wanted to do since starting there the first time. 

I’m so excited and ecstatic and pretty much over the moon. All my worry troubles will be over, I get a whole bunch of perks, a whole new group of cool, intelligent people to meet (customers and staff) AND it’s a job where I can make a difference to people’s lives. It’s a job I can be proud of, and somewhere I’m overjoyed to get the opportunity to learn and grow. 

I can’t wait to start!!

Past That Point

I’m good now, just like I knew I would be. It’s been a difficult two weeks, but I can feel it- that sad time is over. Partly because I’ve reconciled with myself that the immediate future I had has changed (in many ways for the better), and partly because I’m no longer grieving a loss (because I’m sure now that I haven’t lost anything- we’re still friends and I’ve only gained more freedom). I don’t know how he feels, but I hope he has the same outlook!

I did want to post this quote by Ram Dass about loss though. I know in the future I’ll probably experience more break-ups, and the likelihood is that they won’t be as easy as this one (not that this was easy, just it was comparatively easier than the last). I’m past that point of needing this to help me feel better right now, but this is in case I’m ever having a tough time with it:

‘Many of us have fear. Fear of loving too much, and the fear and the pain of loving when you know there will be loss – and then when there is loss, there is of course deep grief. 

The way we deal with grief has a lot to do with whether or not the grief heals and strengthens us, or ends up depriving and starving us. We’ve learned a lot of things about grief over the years, like that strong “grin and bear it,” stiff upper lip response to grief which involves denial, and is not an optimum strategy for dealing with a mourning period. My own reaction to people that are grieving is to really give them a lot of support in grieving, and letting the process run its course. That means not just the grief of the loss of the person, but the grief of the loss of any dream in life, of anything that you’ve invested that was lost. There is a reaction to a loss that is a grieving process, and if you don’t deal with the grieving in a way that is true to your being, it’s untrue. It’s just as untrue to grieve when you’re not feeling it, as to not grieve when you’re feeling it. 

You can’t really demand any person be on a schedule. You have to ask them to be true to their own heart, to say to somebody, “You haven’t grieved enough,” ’cause they say, “I’m not feeling anything,” isn’t really necessarily tuning appropriately to another person. But when they don’t grieve in harmony with their deepest truth, they end up veiled from their hearts and they end up increasing cynicism about life and increasing fear also, fear of future involvement, fear of any risk. 

So, how you go through these processes is really very critical to your own evolution. From a spiritual perspective, from your spiritual, from your soul’s point of view, all of these things are offerings being made to you, to give you the stuff through which you can grow clearer and stronger and emptier and more available to your heart.’ 

-Ram Dass

 

 

 

#4

Watched this mind bending cartoon with Xav. It’s so trippy, colourful and completely out of this world. It’s like a mix of Rick and Morty, the Yellow Submarine, and Pokemon. And maybe a bit of Jackie Chan Adventures and Adventure Time. All in one. I can’t wait to watch the rest.

It’s nice spending time with Xav, I’m glad we get on so well and can hang out.