Reminder to Love

Keep your loving strong

Continue to care about

The ones you love most

 
I didn’t write this. Found it today and it reminded me of all the amazing people I know.

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Beginning of a Breakup

First though, the positives: Today I got an unexpected package through my door. It was a gift from my friend. She’s one of those friends I wish I had more time with, but now she’s gone 😔

I managed to make even a positive sad today 😂

I also meditated with a kitten. I know it sounds stupid but after we meditated (or I did, Toothless just lay down and closed his eyes) he came and sat on my lap and slept. He wanted a tonne of affection and followed me around the house afterwards. I love him, I wish he came more often. He’s an unexpected gift- I found today really difficult being alone and having nothing to do, it was tough to find motivation to do anything.

Hahaha again, turning a positive into a negative. What’s wrong with me today?

It’s been a month and I can’t remember what it was like to be in a relationship. I know I should be sad, but when I cry, it feels forced so I just stop. Sometimes, like today, I just feel empty. Like it was a bad chapter of my life I just want to forget as quickly as possible. It’s that weird middle phase where you don’t remember what it was like before or during and now you don’t know what it’s meant to be like, if the way I am now is normal or not. Once again, I’m feeling it, the roughest part of losing someone is losing your friend. The more I think about it, the more I know it’s broken, and dead and irreparable. I think that’s why I’m sad. Because regardless of whether we hang out or see each other around, I know there’s no trust, so I can’t be myself. It’s all over, all of it. This is the beginning of the worst, longest break up of all. The reality of what I wrote the other day about cutting him out is setting in. I know the crappy journey I’m in for- I’m still not fully over losing the closest friend I ever had, and the most loving boyfriend you could imagine (over it but not over the loss of his friendship). It takes so long to be at peace with. It’s going to be so hard. But I can do it, I’ve done it before.

To end on a happy note, I can’t wait to start work!! Can’t believe I’m saying that, but I’m honestly so excited. Everyone I’ve met there seems so nice, which is such a change from what I’m used to. Literally can’t wait!!!!

やった! Finally a positive staying positive.

Edit: I wrote and rewrote this quite a few times, so throughout I was reading my thoughts and commenting on them as part of it before I posted it.

It’s not such a bad thing.

Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes things just don’t go your way. Sometimes it seems like nothing will ever go your way.

Today a bad thing happened, something that made me unhappy (for a while). But was it a bad thing? I’m here, with people I love right? I have all four limbs and my sight (no matter how blurry). I have a bed that I love, which is comfortable, and my roof keeps out the rain. I can feed myself, and go to the pub with my friends. I can wake up late if I want to, with no concequences. I can use the internet whenever I want. I can buy myself small things or make things to cheer myself up.

That bad thing? Does it matter? Will I be upset about it in 10 years time? Will I even remember it happneed in 10 years time? Probably not. No. Definitely not.

It’s not such a bad thing.

Past That Point

I’m good now, just like I knew I would be. It’s been a difficult two weeks, but I can feel it- that sad time is over. Partly because I’ve reconciled with myself that the immediate future I had has changed (in many ways for the better), and partly because I’m no longer grieving a loss (because I’m sure now that I haven’t lost anything- we’re still friends and I’ve only gained more freedom). I don’t know how he feels, but I hope he has the same outlook!

I did want to post this quote by Ram Dass about loss though. I know in the future I’ll probably experience more break-ups, and the likelihood is that they won’t be as easy as this one (not that this was easy, just it was comparatively easier than the last). I’m past that point of needing this to help me feel better right now, but this is in case I’m ever having a tough time with it:

‘Many of us have fear. Fear of loving too much, and the fear and the pain of loving when you know there will be loss – and then when there is loss, there is of course deep grief. 

The way we deal with grief has a lot to do with whether or not the grief heals and strengthens us, or ends up depriving and starving us. We’ve learned a lot of things about grief over the years, like that strong “grin and bear it,” stiff upper lip response to grief which involves denial, and is not an optimum strategy for dealing with a mourning period. My own reaction to people that are grieving is to really give them a lot of support in grieving, and letting the process run its course. That means not just the grief of the loss of the person, but the grief of the loss of any dream in life, of anything that you’ve invested that was lost. There is a reaction to a loss that is a grieving process, and if you don’t deal with the grieving in a way that is true to your being, it’s untrue. It’s just as untrue to grieve when you’re not feeling it, as to not grieve when you’re feeling it. 

You can’t really demand any person be on a schedule. You have to ask them to be true to their own heart, to say to somebody, “You haven’t grieved enough,” ’cause they say, “I’m not feeling anything,” isn’t really necessarily tuning appropriately to another person. But when they don’t grieve in harmony with their deepest truth, they end up veiled from their hearts and they end up increasing cynicism about life and increasing fear also, fear of future involvement, fear of any risk. 

So, how you go through these processes is really very critical to your own evolution. From a spiritual perspective, from your spiritual, from your soul’s point of view, all of these things are offerings being made to you, to give you the stuff through which you can grow clearer and stronger and emptier and more available to your heart.’ 

-Ram Dass

 

 

 

#2

07/08/16

Today there were so many happy things I can’t just write one!

Mum met me from work, it was warm and sunny and I got to long board home with her. She’d cooked chicken and new potatoes for dinner and it was delicious– the first meal I’ve eaten properly in a week. We both had a drink and clinked our bottles to cheers. There were condensation droplets on them making my hands wet, cooling me down. It was nice.

I had some really great conversations with my friends, Brian was making me laugh for real, Joseph was discussing life with me and Janet reminded me why I love her and to not let these friends slip away too easily!

Those people took hours out of their days to speak to me, to have a good time with me, and that’s the best feeling!

I think I’ll go to bed happy tonight 😌

You’re Fine

So it’s the summer, and once again I’ve found myself single- this time through no choice of my own. It’s been a week now, and this is the best I’ve felt so I wanted to take the time to (slightly drunkenly) record some serious truths that need to NEVER be forgotten.

Remember how you felt a year ago? Like you’d never meet anyone again, you’d never fall in love, nobody could ever love you and the one person you needed the most in the whole world was gone as if they’d never existed. That feeling was the worst, the most painful, the most heartbreaking. The person you rely on, the one person you feel most comfortable telling your deepest secrets to now is almost a stranger. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, with all this new found free time. Every second you could feel your pulse, every moment was a dull ache of pain and sadness and seemed to take an eternity. A minute was like an hour, and hour like a day and the time you spent asleep filled with nightmares and over in seconds.

It will never be as bad as that. You already took on most of the pain the first time, when that kind of change was totally new and unexpected. It was crushing last time, because you had no idea when it was going to end. The pain seemed like an endless tunnel of misery, like you’re drowning underwater and you’re so deep you can’t even see the sun any more. This time, you know it will be over in a few weeks. This time, you know you’re beautiful and kind and worth everything. This time, it’s not your first love, it’s not the love of your life, it’s not someone you always knew you were going to be with. This time, you’re armed from the beginning with the knowledge that: You’re Fine. You Can Do This. It Will End.

I’m feeling the most positive I’ve felt since it ended, and here’s why:

I woke up this morning and cried. He doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t care. He’s over this. He doesn’t care about the pain I’m feeling because he never cared the way I cared for him. I hate him. I have scars because of him. But I love him, all those things we were going to do are gone. It’s ended. That closeness is gone. What should I fill my time with? How can I have fewer hours in the day so I can forget this all happened. How could he do this to me?

Over and over and over. Just like last time. Only today, I changed my mind. I went for a walk with my mum, and while we walked she talked and I was mostly quiet- sometimes listening, sometimes thinking about my own things just comforted hearing her speak. Getting out of the house into the sun was the best thing. Sure, I felt awful, I didn’t see the point, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I enjoyed it, but I definitely didn’t feel as bad afterwards. When we got home, I sat down and worked on my life goals. I have a small, black notebook in which I write all my observations, thoughts and ideas on spirituality. I stopped writing after I had an unsettling experience through meditation, but after speaking to Alex today, I realised this was what I needed. I looked through it and found so many things I’d been interested in before my break up that I’d just abandoned.

Meditation is where I started. Meditation helps clear the mind, reinforces the feeling of interconnectedness within the universe, it allows you to reach higher levels of consciousness, to come to solutions from within. I’ve not been able to meditate since that aforementioned experience, and especially not since my relationship ended- mediation is such a big part of his life that every time I close my eyes all I can think about is things he tells me about meditation and what he’s experienced.

Researching meditation reminded me that: I’m on my own path. The only individual who experiences this path is me. It’s my own (my precious lol). People drop off along the way and you lose some connections, but in reality, we’re all one. We’re all connected, we’re all the same and we’re all part of this reality that we can never fully grasp. There is so much out there, so many things we may never understand, and it all flows in the most unexpected of ways.

I wrote about why I should meditate, because I think it’s important to know why you’re doing it at a time like this. As in, the last week I’ve thought ‘there’s no point to any of this. i don’t want to do it. I can’t be bothered. I feel so apathetic I don’t want to do anything because I don’t enjoy doing anything.’ That is completely the wrong attitude to have. Meditation will help me solve those feelings, to work around them, and writing down the reasons and the ways in which it helps acts as a reminder, if I ever feel hopeless again. Reading and learning more about meditation reminded me that this is a chance- there were things I was always so unhappy about that now I have a chance to change. Rather than seeing this as the end of the road, it’s like a new branch that suddenly veered off that starts as a thin, narrow trail and broadens as you find your feet. And sure it’s scary to change direction, I mean, it’s scary to change, but it’s a new adventure, a new opportunity to discover more, meet people I wouldn’t have, learn about new ways of life that I’d never stepped outside of my box to consider.

After I rediscovered the purpose I’d set for myself months ago, I decided to take Brian’s advice. I became the yes woman. Nell invited me to the rooftop bar she works at, and I’d said no the day before- I hadn’t felt like being around many people and I didn’t know what the vibe was like. BUT I said yes tonight. I was worried that if I left I would lose that motivation I’d just rediscovered, but I thought going out was the right thing to do. I just felt it. So I went, and I took the longboard, because I love long boarding and it makes me happy, so why not? I boarded to the bar and when I got there I was totally shocked.

I would never have expected the place I saw up there. It wasn’t the most amazing place I’ve ever been to in my entire life, but it was attractive, welcoming, buzzing, full of life, with flowers, lights, trees and so many people. Nell was behind the bar, and we got to chat for most of the time. But I also got to talk to other people. Weirdly enough, a guy from my old school appeared at the bar and we started to talk. It was easy to talk to him, he was friendly and so nice and it was literally exactly what I needed. I just needed someone to talk to, about nothing, to prove to myself: I can do this. I can enjoy myself, I can enjoy being with other people, I can enjoy life and I can be happy.

Several people approached me and chatted to me while I was standing at the bar by myself (while Nell was off working), and again it reminded me that things aren’t hopeless. I’m not alone. Even if my best friends are gone, I’m never alone. I got to reconnect with an old friend, spend time with her and enjoy her company. Would I have gone if I was still with Alex? Probably, but I wouldn’t have appreciated it nearly as much as I did tonight.

I’m sure I’ll have down days still, days where I don’t want to get out of bed, but I will. I won’t let somebody else’s decisions take away the happiness in my life. I won’t let myself succumb to depression, anxiety or low self-esteem. I am free. I have my whole life ahead of me, so many things to discover, other realms to explore, new perspectives to view the world from and love to give to all. I can do this. I’m stronger than I feel. I’m fine.

 

 

 

On that note, right now I feel as though my writers block is gone. Maybe it’s because I know Alex won’t read this now, and Jarrett won’t either. It’s my SafeSpace again. And that was a joke.

 

I Feel Good

I feel really really good.
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment, a messed up love life and a scary money situation, and a job that doesn’t guarantee hours. But there are always great things in your life that you can think of which make life and all its trials bearable. Since this is a rare moment of feeling good regardless of all my problems, I’m going to list the great things that are going on in my life.

  1. I have finished my first year at university. I may not have had the best grades, I may not have done as well as I’d have liked and I may not have achieved everything I wanted to, but I have finished. I’ve completed it, and I’m so proud of myself to even be here.
  2. A couple of weeks ago, when I was vegging out I watched a documentary on Netflix called Fed Up. That film has changed my life. As soon as I finished watching it, I made sure to check the nutritional information of everything I eat to reduce my sugar intake, and so far have lost 3lbs. I’m really proud of myself.
  3.  I just did a good set of leg and ab exercises. Seeing that scale slowly ticking down after months of resolutely staying at 9st 10lbs has pushed me to keep going harder. The first set of leg exercises I did 15 of each exercise, and couldn’t walk for three days. I kept going and kept exercising and today, I was finally able to do the whole set of 9 leg exercises twice and include 60 sit ups. I’m getting there and it’s making me so happy!
  4. I now have the entire summer to do what I want. I can finish reading A Game of Thrones (finally!). I can finish knitting my Lett Lopi Jumper. I can start learning a new language or coding. I can keep going with my goodreads challenge and book clubs. I can visit my grandparents and other friends. I have so much time to do whatever I want without feeling guilty and I’m so excited!

I’m really looking forward to this summer and I can’t wait to get started. Seeing the results of the hard work I’ve been putting in to my fitness has really really made me feel so good. I’m going to update more regularly here now, maybe with some more ‘current stuff’ if I get round to it!

 

So yeah, I’m happy 🙂