Reminder to Love

Keep your loving strong

Continue to care about

The ones you love most

 
I didn’t write this. Found it today and it reminded me of all the amazing people I know.

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Beginning of a Breakup

First though, the positives: Today I got an unexpected package through my door. It was a gift from my friend. She’s one of those friends I wish I had more time with, but now she’s gone 😔

I managed to make even a positive sad today 😂

I also meditated with a kitten. I know it sounds stupid but after we meditated (or I did, Toothless just lay down and closed his eyes) he came and sat on my lap and slept. He wanted a tonne of affection and followed me around the house afterwards. I love him, I wish he came more often. He’s an unexpected gift- I found today really difficult being alone and having nothing to do, it was tough to find motivation to do anything.

Hahaha again, turning a positive into a negative. What’s wrong with me today?

It’s been a month and I can’t remember what it was like to be in a relationship. I know I should be sad, but when I cry, it feels forced so I just stop. Sometimes, like today, I just feel empty. Like it was a bad chapter of my life I just want to forget as quickly as possible. It’s that weird middle phase where you don’t remember what it was like before or during and now you don’t know what it’s meant to be like, if the way I am now is normal or not. Once again, I’m feeling it, the roughest part of losing someone is losing your friend. The more I think about it, the more I know it’s broken, and dead and irreparable. I think that’s why I’m sad. Because regardless of whether we hang out or see each other around, I know there’s no trust, so I can’t be myself. It’s all over, all of it. This is the beginning of the worst, longest break up of all. The reality of what I wrote the other day about cutting him out is setting in. I know the crappy journey I’m in for- I’m still not fully over losing the closest friend I ever had, and the most loving boyfriend you could imagine (over it but not over the loss of his friendship). It takes so long to be at peace with. It’s going to be so hard. But I can do it, I’ve done it before.

To end on a happy note, I can’t wait to start work!! Can’t believe I’m saying that, but I’m honestly so excited. Everyone I’ve met there seems so nice, which is such a change from what I’m used to. Literally can’t wait!!!!

やった! Finally a positive staying positive.

Edit: I wrote and rewrote this quite a few times, so throughout I was reading my thoughts and commenting on them as part of it before I posted it.

It’s not such a bad thing.

Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes things just don’t go your way. Sometimes it seems like nothing will ever go your way.

Today a bad thing happened, something that made me unhappy (for a while). But was it a bad thing? I’m here, with people I love right? I have all four limbs and my sight (no matter how blurry). I have a bed that I love, which is comfortable, and my roof keeps out the rain. I can feed myself, and go to the pub with my friends. I can wake up late if I want to, with no concequences. I can use the internet whenever I want. I can buy myself small things or make things to cheer myself up.

That bad thing? Does it matter? Will I be upset about it in 10 years time? Will I even remember it happneed in 10 years time? Probably not. No. Definitely not.

It’s not such a bad thing.

So Here We Are

I made it. The end of the year. The end of another year in which I wait to finally be happy and the time never came. I watched a youtube video yesterday and the girl was asked ‘what would you tell yourself 5 years ago?’ and her response (as it always is) was ‘It gets better, just hold on for that moment’.

If I were to look back at myself at 16? Yes of course it’s a million times better (here I was feeling sorry for myself and I actually thought about it and yes, I am a gazillion times happier than I was at 16. I don’t think it’s possible to be less happy than I was at that time) BUT you’re still unhappy. Only this is worse. You’re bored. So so Bored. BORED.

I’m so bored, I’m learning a language this summer. Yeah. My mum tried to complement me and say how cool I am (lol) but she managed to slip the word geeky in there. We laughed because for a second, I objected- until I realised I’m studying during my summer holiday.

I find next to nothing interesting, I don’t know what to say to anybody and I feel so so alone. So alone. I’m 21 now, I was promised it wouldn’t be like this at 21. I was promised it would be so much better, I was promised that I’d find myself, and be happy with who I am, but now I feel even more self conscious than I ever did, and I never want to say anything in front of anyone in case I look stupid.

I feel like I’m moving backwards. Something needs to change. I genuinely considered quitting university today and going abroad. I realised I hate it. I hate university, I hate being poor and I hate my life. I’m not crying as I write this, don’t worry. Imagine me saying all this in a bored, irritated kind of way. I’m just bored.

University hasn’t been everything that was promised to me. For some reason, I never gathered the strength to leave my flat all year, so the only friends I have are the ones I live with (who had to be friends with me up to this point because I lived with them) and the people I drunkenly embarrass myself in front of at the LCR and then try not to make awkward eye contact the next day across the table in class. I joined societies but didn’t go, I spent hours cooped up in my room knitting and watching House. HOUSE. You know how old that show is? And sure, I could have left my room, but to do what? I don’t have fun. That’s the whole point. I don’t have fun, I don’t know how and I don’t think anyone wants to hang out with someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy themselves.

In fact, this year has probably been shittier for me than the previous 4 because I’ve had to be around people who actively dislike me. There are a few people who have made it very plain that they don’t like me, maybe I’m not cool enough, or interesting or I just irritate them, but they’ve made it obvious and I have taken a pretty big mental hit because of it. I am now even more insecure than I ever was, and I hate it. Luckily, I will probably be seeing a lot less of these people in the future- they’re people that I can’t wait to not be around any more- preferably never see them again if I can help it- avoid them at all costs.

Or maybe I’m crazy? Maybe I have friends and I’m over sensitive. I get invited out places. I have friends who want to see me, talk to me, spend time with me. So what’s the big deal? It just doesn’t feel that way. It feels like I’m an alien with a huge head and everyone is staring, and every time I ask what they’re staring at, they tell me I’m normal and there’s nothing wrong with me, BUT THEY STILL STARE!

Ugh, I wish I could figure this world out, I really do. I want to travel, to leave this country to find something, somewhere new where I don’t know anyone and just rebuild my life. But I can’t. Until I have a degree (safety net). I wish I had the courage to just go up to someone and talk to them like I used to. Why am I so afraid of people?

I don’t want to go back, I want to stay in London and have money and a good time. I don’t want to go back to Norwich. It already feels like a marginally more relaxed version of the hell that was boarding school with an almost identical small shitty fishbowl of a town to keep me cooped up in. I can’t stand it. I hate it. I can’t believe I will be there for another Three. Whole. Long. Years.

Ugh.

The Positives

It is so easy to focus on the negative things in life, rather than being happy for all the great things you have in life.

As I’d expected, I’ve been feeling very up and down lately- moving to a new place away from everything I’ve always known has been a challenge.

Sometimes I feel so happy and excited to finally be here, the place I’ve focused on for over a year. I feel truly independent and free, with so many opportunities being handed to me.
Other times I feel alone, friendless and awkward like I’m living on a completely different planet to everyone else.

It’s very easy for me to be down on myself- picking on myself for my clothes, my hair, my skin, my weight, my awkwardness and my inability to drink without introducing myself to everybody I see.

But I’ve started to realise that letting myself get beaten up by my negativity just makes the negativity worse. I don’t want to go back to being my fourteen year old, self conscious, depressed self. I’ve grown up, I like myself more, I can control it better. So here are three positives in my life, which remind me that as bad as things are, there’s always some good in my life.

1. Jarrett loves me. He’s my best friend in the whole world, there for me everyday, any time, and he doesn’t let me down. I’ve had a few melt downs since being here and he’s always fully supported and comforted me, even when I’m really mad at him. I don’t know what I’d do without him (and of course I support him in the same way).

2. Norwich and UEA are beautiful. The view of the lake from my bedroom is beautiful. We’ve had two double rainbows already and they were stunning. The city has anything you need and it only takes half an hour to get there. I love my room and the way it’s decorated and organised. I love the campus, I love the library, I love my flat. I really like it here.

3. I get to study at one of the best universities, especially in the humanities department and I get to be here for four years. I could do a semester abroad which would be fun and I get to study English and choose what I study.

Three unchangeable factors about my life that will always make me happy.