Keep your loving strong
Continue to care about
The ones you love most
I didn’t write this. Found it today and it reminded me of all the amazing people I know.
Keep your loving strong
Continue to care about
The ones you love most
I didn’t write this. Found it today and it reminded me of all the amazing people I know.
I’m good now, just like I knew I would be. It’s been a difficult two weeks, but I can feel it- that sad time is over. Partly because I’ve reconciled with myself that the immediate future I had has changed (in many ways for the better), and partly because I’m no longer grieving a loss (because I’m sure now that I haven’t lost anything- we’re still friends and I’ve only gained more freedom). I don’t know how he feels, but I hope he has the same outlook!
I did want to post this quote by Ram Dass about loss though. I know in the future I’ll probably experience more break-ups, and the likelihood is that they won’t be as easy as this one (not that this was easy, just it was comparatively easier than the last). I’m past that point of needing this to help me feel better right now, but this is in case I’m ever having a tough time with it:
‘Many of us have fear. Fear of loving too much, and the fear and the pain of loving when you know there will be loss – and then when there is loss, there is of course deep grief.
The way we deal with grief has a lot to do with whether or not the grief heals and strengthens us, or ends up depriving and starving us. We’ve learned a lot of things about grief over the years, like that strong “grin and bear it,” stiff upper lip response to grief which involves denial, and is not an optimum strategy for dealing with a mourning period. My own reaction to people that are grieving is to really give them a lot of support in grieving, and letting the process run its course. That means not just the grief of the loss of the person, but the grief of the loss of any dream in life, of anything that you’ve invested that was lost. There is a reaction to a loss that is a grieving process, and if you don’t deal with the grieving in a way that is true to your being, it’s untrue. It’s just as untrue to grieve when you’re not feeling it, as to not grieve when you’re feeling it.
You can’t really demand any person be on a schedule. You have to ask them to be true to their own heart, to say to somebody, “You haven’t grieved enough,” ’cause they say, “I’m not feeling anything,” isn’t really necessarily tuning appropriately to another person. But when they don’t grieve in harmony with their deepest truth, they end up veiled from their hearts and they end up increasing cynicism about life and increasing fear also, fear of future involvement, fear of any risk.
So, how you go through these processes is really very critical to your own evolution. From a spiritual perspective, from your spiritual, from your soul’s point of view, all of these things are offerings being made to you, to give you the stuff through which you can grow clearer and stronger and emptier and more available to your heart.’
Watched this mind bending cartoon with Xav. It’s so trippy, colourful and completely out of this world. It’s like a mix of Rick and Morty, the Yellow Submarine, and Pokemon. And maybe a bit of Jackie Chan Adventures and Adventure Time. All in one. I can’t wait to watch the rest.
It’s nice spending time with Xav, I’m glad we get on so well and can hang out.
I took the longboard to Notting Hill/Ladbroke Grove. It was muggy, but warm and I worked up a sweat. I really enjoyed it- even though it was sticky and I was out of breath, I loved using that force and sliding down hills. The roads there are really smooth and wide which makes boarding so much more fun!
It also kind of gives me a buzz because people think I’m cool when I’m riding it. They stop to chat to me and ask me how I do it and tell me it’s cool. I feel like a bit of a fraud, since it’s a longboard and not that hard to ride, but it’s also sick.
Charisse made me laugh, we were joking about a bunch of stuff and when I was sad she suggested going for a walk. It was really good to spend time with her and I’m looking forward to sharing this week with her!
Lastly, a girl I was talking to on tinder (who is actually beautiful) asked me if I’d ever been to Kent before 😂😂😂😂 it made me laugh more than it should have.
Today I finally managed a 10 minute meditation. My head was still cluttered and I found it difficult to concentrate, but I did it. I started seeing it in the way books describe it- your brain is like a muscle that needs to be worked out through meditation, and the more you train it the better it becomes.
Today was different than usual in that I used it to come to some conclusions, and discover my true feelings. Of course 10 minutes is not nearly long enough to come to any deep life decisions (for me anyway), but I did come to one answer, and came to understand a little more of my emotions.
Finding my own happiness is key, not just for my personal development, but more so that I can pass it on to others.
I observed that answer, and I think it’s a truth I needed to find- a small step to help me continue my days- what better reason to be happy than to further the happiness of all the other beings around you? Through my own happiness, be more open to positive encounters with everything around me and I can make the world a better place.
Just to expand on that, happiness is not necessarily the ultimate goal. If I am happy, there are fewer things clouding my brain stopping me from having a love for all things. If I can be happy and project that love, I can (and in turn others can) find the deepest connection between myself and everything around me.
So it’s the summer, and once again I’ve found myself single- this time through no choice of my own. It’s been a week now, and this is the best I’ve felt so I wanted to take the time to (slightly drunkenly) record some serious truths that need to NEVER be forgotten.
Remember how you felt a year ago? Like you’d never meet anyone again, you’d never fall in love, nobody could ever love you and the one person you needed the most in the whole world was gone as if they’d never existed. That feeling was the worst, the most painful, the most heartbreaking. The person you rely on, the one person you feel most comfortable telling your deepest secrets to now is almost a stranger. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, with all this new found free time. Every second you could feel your pulse, every moment was a dull ache of pain and sadness and seemed to take an eternity. A minute was like an hour, and hour like a day and the time you spent asleep filled with nightmares and over in seconds.
It will never be as bad as that. You already took on most of the pain the first time, when that kind of change was totally new and unexpected. It was crushing last time, because you had no idea when it was going to end. The pain seemed like an endless tunnel of misery, like you’re drowning underwater and you’re so deep you can’t even see the sun any more. This time, you know it will be over in a few weeks. This time, you know you’re beautiful and kind and worth everything. This time, it’s not your first love, it’s not the love of your life, it’s not someone you always knew you were going to be with. This time, you’re armed from the beginning with the knowledge that: You’re Fine. You Can Do This. It Will End.
I’m feeling the most positive I’ve felt since it ended, and here’s why:
I woke up this morning and cried. He doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t care. He’s over this. He doesn’t care about the pain I’m feeling because he never cared the way I cared for him. I hate him. I have scars because of him. But I love him, all those things we were going to do are gone. It’s ended. That closeness is gone. What should I fill my time with? How can I have fewer hours in the day so I can forget this all happened. How could he do this to me?
Over and over and over. Just like last time. Only today, I changed my mind. I went for a walk with my mum, and while we walked she talked and I was mostly quiet- sometimes listening, sometimes thinking about my own things just comforted hearing her speak. Getting out of the house into the sun was the best thing. Sure, I felt awful, I didn’t see the point, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I enjoyed it, but I definitely didn’t feel as bad afterwards. When we got home, I sat down and worked on my life goals. I have a small, black notebook in which I write all my observations, thoughts and ideas on spirituality. I stopped writing after I had an unsettling experience through meditation, but after speaking to Alex today, I realised this was what I needed. I looked through it and found so many things I’d been interested in before my break up that I’d just abandoned.
Meditation is where I started. Meditation helps clear the mind, reinforces the feeling of interconnectedness within the universe, it allows you to reach higher levels of consciousness, to come to solutions from within. I’ve not been able to meditate since that aforementioned experience, and especially not since my relationship ended- mediation is such a big part of his life that every time I close my eyes all I can think about is things he tells me about meditation and what he’s experienced.
Researching meditation reminded me that: I’m on my own path. The only individual who experiences this path is me. It’s my own (my precious lol). People drop off along the way and you lose some connections, but in reality, we’re all one. We’re all connected, we’re all the same and we’re all part of this reality that we can never fully grasp. There is so much out there, so many things we may never understand, and it all flows in the most unexpected of ways.
I wrote about why I should meditate, because I think it’s important to know why you’re doing it at a time like this. As in, the last week I’ve thought ‘there’s no point to any of this. i don’t want to do it. I can’t be bothered. I feel so apathetic I don’t want to do anything because I don’t enjoy doing anything.’ That is completely the wrong attitude to have. Meditation will help me solve those feelings, to work around them, and writing down the reasons and the ways in which it helps acts as a reminder, if I ever feel hopeless again. Reading and learning more about meditation reminded me that this is a chance- there were things I was always so unhappy about that now I have a chance to change. Rather than seeing this as the end of the road, it’s like a new branch that suddenly veered off that starts as a thin, narrow trail and broadens as you find your feet. And sure it’s scary to change direction, I mean, it’s scary to change, but it’s a new adventure, a new opportunity to discover more, meet people I wouldn’t have, learn about new ways of life that I’d never stepped outside of my box to consider.
After I rediscovered the purpose I’d set for myself months ago, I decided to take Brian’s advice. I became the yes woman. Nell invited me to the rooftop bar she works at, and I’d said no the day before- I hadn’t felt like being around many people and I didn’t know what the vibe was like. BUT I said yes tonight. I was worried that if I left I would lose that motivation I’d just rediscovered, but I thought going out was the right thing to do. I just felt it. So I went, and I took the longboard, because I love long boarding and it makes me happy, so why not? I boarded to the bar and when I got there I was totally shocked.
I would never have expected the place I saw up there. It wasn’t the most amazing place I’ve ever been to in my entire life, but it was attractive, welcoming, buzzing, full of life, with flowers, lights, trees and so many people. Nell was behind the bar, and we got to chat for most of the time. But I also got to talk to other people. Weirdly enough, a guy from my old school appeared at the bar and we started to talk. It was easy to talk to him, he was friendly and so nice and it was literally exactly what I needed. I just needed someone to talk to, about nothing, to prove to myself: I can do this. I can enjoy myself, I can enjoy being with other people, I can enjoy life and I can be happy.
Several people approached me and chatted to me while I was standing at the bar by myself (while Nell was off working), and again it reminded me that things aren’t hopeless. I’m not alone. Even if my best friends are gone, I’m never alone. I got to reconnect with an old friend, spend time with her and enjoy her company. Would I have gone if I was still with Alex? Probably, but I wouldn’t have appreciated it nearly as much as I did tonight.
I’m sure I’ll have down days still, days where I don’t want to get out of bed, but I will. I won’t let somebody else’s decisions take away the happiness in my life. I won’t let myself succumb to depression, anxiety or low self-esteem. I am free. I have my whole life ahead of me, so many things to discover, other realms to explore, new perspectives to view the world from and love to give to all. I can do this. I’m stronger than I feel. I’m fine.
On that note, right now I feel as though my writers block is gone. Maybe it’s because I know Alex won’t read this now, and Jarrett won’t either. It’s my SafeSpace again. And that was a joke.
I grew up with my beautiful mother always telling me beautiful I was. I was somewhat in awe of her- being only 23 when I was born, she was young and cool and I had no reason not to believe her.
I made it all the way to year 8 (age 12) before I stopped to consider that perhaps I was not as pretty as I had always known I was. I went to a boarding school, utterly different from anything I’d experienced and my two closest friends had started talking about their diet. I knew what a diet was, but I knew I didn’t need one- people were always telling me how thin I was. Those two girls once asked me what I didn’t like about my body and my reply (which once ashamed me and now I am so proud of my young self) was ‘Nothing. I like my body’.
That is not to say that I thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, I just was happy with what I had. I definitely did have imperfections and insecurities. I spent a few years from the age of eight covering my knobbly knees when I wore skirts, and at the age of ten I grew two inches in two months and acquired a zebra striping of stretch marks on my bum and thighs. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but those imperfections didn’t make me dislike my body. To me, they were just there, parts of my body that were unchangeable and that I was happy to live with because that was the way I was.
My friends told me that this was really narcissistic and full of myself. They were pretty mean about it, telling me that of course there was at least something wrong with me and that I must think a lot of myself if I didn’t think I had any problems. Of course I did, but they were unimportant to me- I would rather worry about how to pass my flute exam, or understanding the book we were reading in class. So I stopped eating, and dieted and obsessed about the gym because I didn’t want to be narcissistic, and I didn’t want my friends to think I was a bad person. I pretended to be unhappy with my body until I eventually was. I lost all self confidence and stayed that way.
I am now 21. My weight has fluctuated over the last 3 years, at one point last year reaching 10 stone, somewhere I never thought I’d be. I truly began to hate my body. I hated that spare tire, the cellulite on my legs, the fat in my arms. I gained some new stretch marks on my muffin top, bright angry red ones that are visible over my jeans. I saw those and despaired. They looked horrible, how could I get rid of them? I spent so much money on Bio Oil that didn’t work and so much time frantically rubbing my skin to remove them, that also didn’t work. I was fat, stretch marked and unhappy.
So how did I get back here, loving myself, in a few short months? I love the freckle on my collar bone. I love the ringlets my hair forms. I love the shape of my boobs and the size of my toes. I think I have perfect lips and a nice nose. What I’m saying is, I began to focus on the things I love and accept my body the way it is, loving the good and the bad. Yes, I am losing weight and happy about it, but we don’t need to lose weight to love ourselves. I am allowing the good things to lift me up higher than my insecurities are dragging me down. I focus on the good things because they are good. I’m not going to pretend to be modest and unhappy about them in order to make other people happy. Women are allowed to love themselves and be happy in the skin they inhabit. Sure, we all have things that maybe we’d change or that aren’t our favourite parts, but we’re allowed to celebrate the good and love ourselves regardless of what anyone else thinks.
P.S I hope I didn’t come off a bit Samantha Brick here..