#3

I took the longboard to Notting Hill/Ladbroke Grove. It was muggy, but warm and I worked up a sweat. I really enjoyed it- even though it was sticky and I was out of breath, I loved using that force and sliding down hills. The roads there are really smooth and wide which makes boarding so much more fun!

It also kind of gives me a buzz because people think I’m cool when I’m riding it. They stop to chat to me and ask me how I do it and tell me it’s cool. I feel like a bit of a fraud, since it’s a longboard and not that hard to ride, but it’s also sick.

Charisse made me laugh, we were joking about a bunch of stuff and when I was sad she suggested going for a walk. It was really good to spend time with her and I’m looking forward to sharing this week with her!

Lastly, a girl I was talking to on tinder (who is actually beautiful) asked me if I’d ever been to Kent before 😂😂😂😂 it made me laugh more than it should have.

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#1

06/08/16

I was walking in Chiswick with my mum when I saw some fat, dead, green leaves on the ground.

I stomped on them and they crunched so much.

Mum asked me why I did it, and without thinking I said ‘because I like it’ and laughed for real.

You’re Fine

So it’s the summer, and once again I’ve found myself single- this time through no choice of my own. It’s been a week now, and this is the best I’ve felt so I wanted to take the time to (slightly drunkenly) record some serious truths that need to NEVER be forgotten.

Remember how you felt a year ago? Like you’d never meet anyone again, you’d never fall in love, nobody could ever love you and the one person you needed the most in the whole world was gone as if they’d never existed. That feeling was the worst, the most painful, the most heartbreaking. The person you rely on, the one person you feel most comfortable telling your deepest secrets to now is almost a stranger. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, with all this new found free time. Every second you could feel your pulse, every moment was a dull ache of pain and sadness and seemed to take an eternity. A minute was like an hour, and hour like a day and the time you spent asleep filled with nightmares and over in seconds.

It will never be as bad as that. You already took on most of the pain the first time, when that kind of change was totally new and unexpected. It was crushing last time, because you had no idea when it was going to end. The pain seemed like an endless tunnel of misery, like you’re drowning underwater and you’re so deep you can’t even see the sun any more. This time, you know it will be over in a few weeks. This time, you know you’re beautiful and kind and worth everything. This time, it’s not your first love, it’s not the love of your life, it’s not someone you always knew you were going to be with. This time, you’re armed from the beginning with the knowledge that: You’re Fine. You Can Do This. It Will End.

I’m feeling the most positive I’ve felt since it ended, and here’s why:

I woke up this morning and cried. He doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t care. He’s over this. He doesn’t care about the pain I’m feeling because he never cared the way I cared for him. I hate him. I have scars because of him. But I love him, all those things we were going to do are gone. It’s ended. That closeness is gone. What should I fill my time with? How can I have fewer hours in the day so I can forget this all happened. How could he do this to me?

Over and over and over. Just like last time. Only today, I changed my mind. I went for a walk with my mum, and while we walked she talked and I was mostly quiet- sometimes listening, sometimes thinking about my own things just comforted hearing her speak. Getting out of the house into the sun was the best thing. Sure, I felt awful, I didn’t see the point, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I enjoyed it, but I definitely didn’t feel as bad afterwards. When we got home, I sat down and worked on my life goals. I have a small, black notebook in which I write all my observations, thoughts and ideas on spirituality. I stopped writing after I had an unsettling experience through meditation, but after speaking to Alex today, I realised this was what I needed. I looked through it and found so many things I’d been interested in before my break up that I’d just abandoned.

Meditation is where I started. Meditation helps clear the mind, reinforces the feeling of interconnectedness within the universe, it allows you to reach higher levels of consciousness, to come to solutions from within. I’ve not been able to meditate since that aforementioned experience, and especially not since my relationship ended- mediation is such a big part of his life that every time I close my eyes all I can think about is things he tells me about meditation and what he’s experienced.

Researching meditation reminded me that: I’m on my own path. The only individual who experiences this path is me. It’s my own (my precious lol). People drop off along the way and you lose some connections, but in reality, we’re all one. We’re all connected, we’re all the same and we’re all part of this reality that we can never fully grasp. There is so much out there, so many things we may never understand, and it all flows in the most unexpected of ways.

I wrote about why I should meditate, because I think it’s important to know why you’re doing it at a time like this. As in, the last week I’ve thought ‘there’s no point to any of this. i don’t want to do it. I can’t be bothered. I feel so apathetic I don’t want to do anything because I don’t enjoy doing anything.’ That is completely the wrong attitude to have. Meditation will help me solve those feelings, to work around them, and writing down the reasons and the ways in which it helps acts as a reminder, if I ever feel hopeless again. Reading and learning more about meditation reminded me that this is a chance- there were things I was always so unhappy about that now I have a chance to change. Rather than seeing this as the end of the road, it’s like a new branch that suddenly veered off that starts as a thin, narrow trail and broadens as you find your feet. And sure it’s scary to change direction, I mean, it’s scary to change, but it’s a new adventure, a new opportunity to discover more, meet people I wouldn’t have, learn about new ways of life that I’d never stepped outside of my box to consider.

After I rediscovered the purpose I’d set for myself months ago, I decided to take Brian’s advice. I became the yes woman. Nell invited me to the rooftop bar she works at, and I’d said no the day before- I hadn’t felt like being around many people and I didn’t know what the vibe was like. BUT I said yes tonight. I was worried that if I left I would lose that motivation I’d just rediscovered, but I thought going out was the right thing to do. I just felt it. So I went, and I took the longboard, because I love long boarding and it makes me happy, so why not? I boarded to the bar and when I got there I was totally shocked.

I would never have expected the place I saw up there. It wasn’t the most amazing place I’ve ever been to in my entire life, but it was attractive, welcoming, buzzing, full of life, with flowers, lights, trees and so many people. Nell was behind the bar, and we got to chat for most of the time. But I also got to talk to other people. Weirdly enough, a guy from my old school appeared at the bar and we started to talk. It was easy to talk to him, he was friendly and so nice and it was literally exactly what I needed. I just needed someone to talk to, about nothing, to prove to myself: I can do this. I can enjoy myself, I can enjoy being with other people, I can enjoy life and I can be happy.

Several people approached me and chatted to me while I was standing at the bar by myself (while Nell was off working), and again it reminded me that things aren’t hopeless. I’m not alone. Even if my best friends are gone, I’m never alone. I got to reconnect with an old friend, spend time with her and enjoy her company. Would I have gone if I was still with Alex? Probably, but I wouldn’t have appreciated it nearly as much as I did tonight.

I’m sure I’ll have down days still, days where I don’t want to get out of bed, but I will. I won’t let somebody else’s decisions take away the happiness in my life. I won’t let myself succumb to depression, anxiety or low self-esteem. I am free. I have my whole life ahead of me, so many things to discover, other realms to explore, new perspectives to view the world from and love to give to all. I can do this. I’m stronger than I feel. I’m fine.

 

 

 

On that note, right now I feel as though my writers block is gone. Maybe it’s because I know Alex won’t read this now, and Jarrett won’t either. It’s my SafeSpace again. And that was a joke.

 

Happy Pride Day!

Happy London Pride Day!I took this at Southbank a couple of days ago and thought today was the perfect day to post it. I’m so happy about this landmark ruling about allowing gay couples to marry in the US. It’s a great step forward for equality and it’s been a long time coming! I hope one day, my children will find it crazy that I was alive when this happened because it is so normal to them. Hope everyone has a great Pride Day!

 

 

I’m Like an OAP

This is what I was listening to while writing this. I like the idea that other people can get the same vibes I was having while writing if we listened to the same thing.

When my grandparents first retired, I couldn’t understand what they did with all that time. Until they die, they will not have jobs. What a thought.

I wondered how they kept busy, how they weren’t bored with life and each other. How they coped living in a small seaside town with nothing to occupy them. To me it seemed like a very free but agitating existence. I thought I’d go mad if I had to do that.

I was wrong. I’ve realised that I’m just like them right now, and how beautiful it is. They get to spend their time doing the things they love. My Granny works with fabrics and designing things using different art styles, and my Grandad does gigs and works on paper art. Now they both keep bees too! They’re living the life and now I am too. I’m so free, so able to do what I want, when I want. It’s amazing. I can listen to music, play my own music on my uke, make my own clothes and learn a new language. It’s so amazing to be able to live my life in the way I want to. Sure I’m poor, but I’m having a great time.

I’ve been riding my bike as fast as I can, feeling the breeze on my legs, sitting in the park with tangerines and grapes, relaxing in the heat of the sun. It’s been blissful.

And I still have 3 months of this to go.

Aahhhh

I Feel Good

I feel really really good.
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment, a messed up love life and a scary money situation, and a job that doesn’t guarantee hours. But there are always great things in your life that you can think of which make life and all its trials bearable. Since this is a rare moment of feeling good regardless of all my problems, I’m going to list the great things that are going on in my life.

  1. I have finished my first year at university. I may not have had the best grades, I may not have done as well as I’d have liked and I may not have achieved everything I wanted to, but I have finished. I’ve completed it, and I’m so proud of myself to even be here.
  2. A couple of weeks ago, when I was vegging out I watched a documentary on Netflix called Fed Up. That film has changed my life. As soon as I finished watching it, I made sure to check the nutritional information of everything I eat to reduce my sugar intake, and so far have lost 3lbs. I’m really proud of myself.
  3.  I just did a good set of leg and ab exercises. Seeing that scale slowly ticking down after months of resolutely staying at 9st 10lbs has pushed me to keep going harder. The first set of leg exercises I did 15 of each exercise, and couldn’t walk for three days. I kept going and kept exercising and today, I was finally able to do the whole set of 9 leg exercises twice and include 60 sit ups. I’m getting there and it’s making me so happy!
  4. I now have the entire summer to do what I want. I can finish reading A Game of Thrones (finally!). I can finish knitting my Lett Lopi Jumper. I can start learning a new language or coding. I can keep going with my goodreads challenge and book clubs. I can visit my grandparents and other friends. I have so much time to do whatever I want without feeling guilty and I’m so excited!

I’m really looking forward to this summer and I can’t wait to get started. Seeing the results of the hard work I’ve been putting in to my fitness has really really made me feel so good. I’m going to update more regularly here now, maybe with some more ‘current stuff’ if I get round to it!

 

So yeah, I’m happy 🙂

I got a job!

I got a call today, and I got accepted to work at Hollister!

I decided a few weeks ago that I didn’t want to spend my time lying in bed wasting the days away and so I should get a job. This is the first time I’ve tried to get one out of boredom rather than necessity.

I knew it was a job I wanted to do because it’s similar to working for Apple- they’re brands that value good customer service. Whether it’s being a Specialist at Apple or a Model at Hollister, the goal is essentially the same- treat the customers in the best way possible, help them find the right solution for them and be friendly.

I thought I’d done really badly in the interview, and maybe I had, but I’m really glad I was offered a position, and can start working soon! I was offered the model position rather than Impact which I’d applied for, but I’m sure I’ll like it just the same!

So now I just have to work out what to wear!