It’s not such a bad thing.

Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes things just don’t go your way. Sometimes it seems like nothing will ever go your way.

Today a bad thing happened, something that made me unhappy (for a while). But was it a bad thing? I’m here, with people I love right? I have all four limbs and my sight (no matter how blurry). I have a bed that I love, which is comfortable, and my roof keeps out the rain. I can feed myself, and go to the pub with my friends. I can wake up late if I want to, with no concequences. I can use the internet whenever I want. I can buy myself small things or make things to cheer myself up.

That bad thing? Does it matter? Will I be upset about it in 10 years time? Will I even remember it happneed in 10 years time? Probably not. No. Definitely not.

It’s not such a bad thing.

Advertisements

New Job!

This is one of those mad frustrating things where I can celebrate my new job, but I can’t really say what it is.

I can say that I’ve had this job before, and it’s where I met some of the coolest, most talented people I know. 

The best part is that I’m getting a new role, one which I always wanted to do since starting there the first time. 

I’m so excited and ecstatic and pretty much over the moon. All my worry troubles will be over, I get a whole bunch of perks, a whole new group of cool, intelligent people to meet (customers and staff) AND it’s a job where I can make a difference to people’s lives. It’s a job I can be proud of, and somewhere I’m overjoyed to get the opportunity to learn and grow. 

I can’t wait to start!!

I Feel Good

I feel really really good.
I’m going through a difficult time at the moment, a messed up love life and a scary money situation, and a job that doesn’t guarantee hours. But there are always great things in your life that you can think of which make life and all its trials bearable. Since this is a rare moment of feeling good regardless of all my problems, I’m going to list the great things that are going on in my life.

  1. I have finished my first year at university. I may not have had the best grades, I may not have done as well as I’d have liked and I may not have achieved everything I wanted to, but I have finished. I’ve completed it, and I’m so proud of myself to even be here.
  2. A couple of weeks ago, when I was vegging out I watched a documentary on Netflix called Fed Up. That film has changed my life. As soon as I finished watching it, I made sure to check the nutritional information of everything I eat to reduce my sugar intake, and so far have lost 3lbs. I’m really proud of myself.
  3.  I just did a good set of leg and ab exercises. Seeing that scale slowly ticking down after months of resolutely staying at 9st 10lbs has pushed me to keep going harder. The first set of leg exercises I did 15 of each exercise, and couldn’t walk for three days. I kept going and kept exercising and today, I was finally able to do the whole set of 9 leg exercises twice and include 60 sit ups. I’m getting there and it’s making me so happy!
  4. I now have the entire summer to do what I want. I can finish reading A Game of Thrones (finally!). I can finish knitting my Lett Lopi Jumper. I can start learning a new language or coding. I can keep going with my goodreads challenge and book clubs. I can visit my grandparents and other friends. I have so much time to do whatever I want without feeling guilty and I’m so excited!

I’m really looking forward to this summer and I can’t wait to get started. Seeing the results of the hard work I’ve been putting in to my fitness has really really made me feel so good. I’m going to update more regularly here now, maybe with some more ‘current stuff’ if I get round to it!

 

So yeah, I’m happy 🙂

I got a job!

I got a call today, and I got accepted to work at Hollister!

I decided a few weeks ago that I didn’t want to spend my time lying in bed wasting the days away and so I should get a job. This is the first time I’ve tried to get one out of boredom rather than necessity.

I knew it was a job I wanted to do because it’s similar to working for Apple- they’re brands that value good customer service. Whether it’s being a Specialist at Apple or a Model at Hollister, the goal is essentially the same- treat the customers in the best way possible, help them find the right solution for them and be friendly.

I thought I’d done really badly in the interview, and maybe I had, but I’m really glad I was offered a position, and can start working soon! I was offered the model position rather than Impact which I’d applied for, but I’m sure I’ll like it just the same!

So now I just have to work out what to wear!

I’m not dead

I haven’t posted anything I’ve been interested in here in a long time. It’s coming up to the end of the semester and I’ve had a whole load of work to do (not really, I just left it to the last minute as usual).

A lot has changed since I last wrote, but I’m wide awake (even though I’ve just successfully completed an all-nighter) and ready to start catching up on the things I’ve missed. I don’t know why it matters to me- it’s mostly my family that reads this, and I tell them all these things on the phone anyway! Even so for some reason I enjoy writing this stuff.

So other than work, I’ve been doing a few things that have been keeping me a little sane. Firstly, I’ve been getting out more. I decided I spent far too much time alone and so have been making an effort to connect with the people I love more often. Yesterday I went to Kings College London with Joseph to look around. I’m so glad I went with him- I can totally see him there and I really want him to fulfil that statement- I want him to get in there. I want him to win, he’s so intelligent and I know he’s going to be amazing.

I’ve also started watching two shows- House and House of Cards. House is great to knit to (it’s so repetitive, I don’t need to watch too closely) and Hugh Laurie is a great actor. House of cards is something I’ve very recently been into I can’t get enough of it. I’ve always loved Kevin Spacey, and the story is one of those great ones where you sort of despise the main character but you also desperately want him to succeed. It’s a great show that can force you to have two such conflicting emotions.

I’ve been knitting a lot (WIP here) and have finally started the Léttlopi jumper. I love it so much and VeryPink has made knitting so much easier with her ‘flicking’ technique.

So that’s my update. I’m going to get to writing those other posts now!

Image

November WIP

Elephant

So the new project I’m working on is this elephant, and it’s the first of many Christmas gifts that I’m working on. It’s  not Christmas-y as such, but I think it’s cute and will be a nice gift for a child. I’m going to make a mini jumper if I can in a different colour to ‘dress it up’ a bit. The whole pattern is written on straight needles, which is a nice change from dpns and circulars. These are all the pieces except the head, which I’m still making. I bought pillows and I’m going to stuff it with that. I’ve found that the pattern is pretty unclear and although it says it’s for beginners, if I’d just started knitting, I would have found this incredibly difficult, as abbreviations are used where they’re not needed and lots of things simply aren’t specified. I’ve tried to put as detailed a report as I could in my ravelry page if anyone wants to try it.

Stitch Block CowlAs I’m sure you can tell, this project is actually smaller than when I last updated. I got all the way to about 12 inches of knitting in the rose check fabric, and had to frog the lot, which was a bit depressing. That’s the reason I’ve started up with the elephant for a bit. I will continue with this cowl, because I still think it’s gorgeous, but I’m just losing enthusiasm a little bit. Doing this is pretty motivating though, because I don’t want to post again and have it be even smaller!

Failure and Results

For the last two years I’ve felt like a failure. Everybody I knew left school and went straight on a new path, into new lives at university. I was left at home, joining a class of 16 year olds in a college where fake eyelashes at 9am is the norm and teachers don’t care about their jobs. I felt like I was starting over, like I had to re-do everything I’d gotten wrong at CH. It was a long process and I buried my head in TV shows and books and school work to pass the time. I quickly realised that I didn’t want to hang around at college any longer than I had to (fights happened a decent amount and guys were persistent), and spent a lot of time alone, thinking about how crap my life was. I was doing okay in my classes and I enjoyed the freedom I had, but I knew that I’d have to work extra hard if I wanted to get anywhere from there.

I began to understand that the odds were already stacked against me. A mixed-race girl at a state college with a collection of hideous grades already- I knew I’d need to put my all in to get anywhere. Results day came, and I achieved decent but disappointing grades. A grade B in English, a grade C in Religious Studies and a grade U in French. Fortunately I wasn’t taking French another year, and they decided to let me stay on as long as I took up another A Level. This time I chose politics (big mistake).

This year was harder than the first. My teachers for Religious Studies had no idea what they were doing. One became sick very early on in the term, and the other was left clueless. We spent the entire first term (two 1 and a half hour sessions per week) discussing which modules we were going to study and how we were going to do it. In the end, he opted for studying from the previous exam questions. By the time the Exam came, I’d had all of six lessons for half of the subject and only done about half of the material for the other half of the subject.

I’d applied for university by myself in November, writing my personal statement with very little feedback and finding my courses myself. I had a feeling that if I’d been at CH, I would have received a lot more help in that department. I’d picked Bristol as my goal and then chose four other universities from the course and their standing in league tables for various different factors (student satisfaction, percentage of students employed after graduating, number of 1sts awarded etc). By January, the first reply I received was a rejection from Bristol. I wasn’t too sad as I’d expected it, but I decided to find a new goal quickly to take my mind off it, and I chose East Anglia. They had a course I could get into if I worked hard enough and it looked to me like my perfect idea of a literature course. The university was number 1 in student satisfaction and in the top 20 universities. Why had I never heard of it before? Turns out nobody has. Every time I mention it to someone, I get a blank stare. Sure it wasn’t extremely prestigious, but it looked good to me. I arranged an open day outing with Mum and we liked what we saw while we were there. UEA became my first and only choice, I knew wouldn’t want to go anywhere else.

By May (exam season), I’d stopped going to class and was working from home, worrying about how I was going to do, and stressed by the lack of teaching I was receiving at college. I didn’t feel ready for the exams and I was scared of failure. I was scared of letting everyone down again. I was worried I’d prove some people right- that I was a bad kid, that I wouldn’t get anywhere because I didn’t work hard enough. I only worked and studied, and became anxious. What if I didn’t make it? What if I failed again? What if I was going to be stuck in retail for the rest of my life? What if I was forced to awkwardly tell people at school reunions that I never got a degree and work in a shop selling iPhones to the ridiculously rich? Petty, self absorbed and snobby as it seems, I couldn’t help panicking about these problems as I exited the exam rooms.

By the end of June, I was in Florida and my job and exams were already a far away memory. I relaxed a little and started to forget about the oncoming results day, trying to pretend it wouldn’t come. With results day would come the news of my fate- I’d either begin preparations to leave home, or I’d be sleeping on the sofa with no job, no money, no prospects, and no Jarrett. It was depressing and agonising to wait, so I shoved it out of my head until the week before. With each day, my rituals were getting worse, I was getting angry with Jarrett and becoming more and more over sensitive. Finally results day arrived and I felt sick all day. My head was pounding and my stomach was turning, but I didn’t feel at all panicked. I felt calm and ready to find out.

At half past 2, Jarrett came back from a night out. He’d brought me a sprite, twix bites and a box of doughnuts- consolation or celebration, whichever it was. I thought it was so sweet of him to think of me like that. He’s so thoughtful. At 3 am (UK 8am) I logged on to the UCAS website, convinced of and ready for rejection, and saw my congratulatory message telling me I’d done it. I’d finally passed my A Levels and got a place at University. I’d finally made my mum proud and given her something to boast about.

Seeing the message, I cried. It was like a wave of relief went over me. I had no idea what grades I had, but that didn’t matter- I’d achieved the unlikely and got what I’d hoped for. No need for clearing, no need to find another course. I’d done it. Now I’m happy. I know I can achieve things if I work hard enough.

The next day, mum picked up my grades for me. I’d received: a B in English lit, a B in Religious Studies and an E in Politics. I was pretty shocked about that, I’d expected two C grades and a  U, but I was very happy with it. I can finally say I got decent results (not the best, but imagine what I could have gotten if I’d worked hard at CH!?).

So now I’m preparing for it, and I’m so excited, but sad at the same time. This means I’m leaving and I won’t see Jarrett for a while, and I’ve had such a great experience being here. I’m going to miss him, but I’m also going to love starting a new course. Hopefully things go well. I just don’t want the summer to end yet!

 

Edits: I doubt anyone will ever notice this now, but I’ve re-read through this and there was something I wanted to clarify (I wrote this at 3am and posted without re-checking).

The reason I felt so bad working in retail wasn’t because the job itself was bad (for a first job it was amazing), but because it’s always been expected of me to get a degree. It’s always been out of the question for me not to get one. Everybody I know has one, so of course, I want to feel like I’ve achieved something too.